Hello my name is Martha Kelly and
I'm the host of Cap City's new comedy series called "In
the Can with Martha Kelly." The series includes
video interviews of your favorite comics, a live "In
the Can" show once a month at Cap City,
and a "bloggish" column you can find weekly
at this website. I've tied all of this together with a
string of awkwardness the likes of which the world has
not seen since we all got up this morning. So get ready
to relax, lean back or forward and feel awkward.
June
21, 2009:
Your Prayers Have Not Been Answered
Hello,
The first time I tried to become a religious
fanatic was in the 6th grade. This girl Kelly moved to our
school and she was a born again Christian. She set about
spreading the Good Word to the other 11 year olds and for
a short while we were fascinated by her. When I heard that
there was a new girl at school going around telling kids
that cussing was a sin, I couldn't wait to meet her and
lay a couple of F-bombs on her. Welcome to puberty.
I don't remember our actual first meeting,
but I hope for posterity's sake that I didn't actually fling
cuss words at her. She turned out to be a fairly sweet kid
(most born agains are a lot nicer than the angry guys who
represent them on TV) and we sort of became friends. I wanted
to know what it meant to be "born again" and how
you could switch over from the dark side.
My dad was raised Catholic and my mom
was raised Southern Methodist and they chose to meet in
the middle by raising the family without any mention of
God whatsoever. When I heard about God from other kids and
asked my parents if they believed in it, my dad said he
didn't know and my mom acted like she hadn't heard me.
Even though my parents pretended religion
didn't exist, I always liked going to church with family
friends when we went to sleepovers and what not. To me it
was just like going to a fancy restaurant or a movie; I
knew I'd be expected to act a certain way (good) and that
made it a fantastical adventure. Who knew which way the
hand of fate would fall? Would I sit quietly and pretend
to be reasonable or turn into a Tasmanian devil and bring
my friends' mothers to tears?
Then Kelly came to school and started
trying to convert other kids to her religion, which she
took super seriously. I asked her how you become born again
and she said you just say this certain prayer to Jesus and
then you'll feel him enter your heart, and etc. So I said
it and felt nothing. I said it over and over alone in my
room that night, straining to feel something or change somehow,
but I failed completely. Thanks Jesus.
Now that I am in a couple of anonymous
things that require a belief in a power greater than yourself
in order to work, I still think that prayer Kelly gave me
was bullshit. But I have had experiences as an adult where
I have asked for help from a God I wasn't sure existed and
received the help I needed. I look at praying like a science
experiment: I try it just to see if it might work, and if
it does I think "this would make a great boring paper
for a science journal."
On the flip side, while lots of people
with faith like to publicly thank God and Jesus for their
good fortune, I'd really like to hear more public blaming
of the devil when things go bad. The last time I went to
Austin I stayed in a hotel and on the second day I found
one can of my favorite beer in the refrigerator in my room.
I had been afraid to return to Austin for over 2 years because
it's where I did most of my full-time drinking and I thought
going back would make me want to drink again. But when I
found that beer it didn't tempt me at all. I just said "Nice
try, Devil." and threw it away.
I'd like to stay and talk more but I have
to go drink coffee at some Mormons.
