Hello my name is Martha Kelly and
I'm the host of Cap City's new comedy series called "In
the Can with Martha Kelly." The series includes
video interviews of your favorite comics, a live "In
the Can" show once a month at Cap City,
and a "bloggish" column you can find weekly
at this website. I've tied all of this together with a
string of awkwardness the likes of which the world has
not seen since we all got up this morning. So get ready
to relax, lean back or forward and feel awkward.
May
3 , 2009:
The day the laughter cried
Dear Blog,
That title doesn't mean anything, I just
wanted something dramatic. I was trying to think of a title
in the vein of a catastrophe-based TV movie and that's all
I could come up with. I'm almost wondering if I stole it
from somewhere--that's how familiar it sounds. Verdict:
these jokes aren't going to steal themselves, am I right
mi-ladies? That's how a knight of the round table would
tag a joke about how men won't ask for directions.
No I'm not feeling alright, thanks for
asking.
A) I didn't get much sleep last night,
and
B) I got crawled on by a freaky looking
spider at a backyard party tonight. I didn't feel it bite
me and there don't appear to be any welts on my foot, but
my mind seems to be reacting to a poison of some kind. Mayhaps
it's just the poison of our diseased advertising industry,
telling me my foot needs to go on a diet and try some age-defying
make-up if it doesn't want spiders mistaking it for a house.
C) A very nice young woman killed the
spider for me after I had flagged down no less than three
different guys about it. Thanks, ball-havers, you really
know how to help a lady out.
D) I actually feel really badly that she
killed it, even though it was a sweet gesture and it made
me like her. Still, I hate to be the cause of a life being
snuffed out. I try my best not to kill things unless they
back me into a corner. Sometimes backing me into a corner
looks the same as hanging out on a wall and minding your
own business, but looks can and will be deceiving.
E) The more I think about it, the more
I feel like that spider was the creepy crawly version of
the Frankenstein monster. It wasn't his fault he was born
an abomination, and he really wasn't hurting anybody wobbling
around the yard from bare foot to bare foot. He kept falling
over in the grass after he went careening off of my shoe.
He was a small, fat-bodied spider with short legs. His head
was tiny and black but his body was plump and white. I'd
never seen any spider like him before. So I rousted the
villagers and gathered up a lynch mob, fearing what I didn't
understand. He was just trying to join in the revelry and
I incited his murder.
F) I almost left the party right after
the spider disaster went down, but then my friend Daniel
shamed me into staying. He mentioned something about how
an arachnophobe going to a backyard party might want to
think ahead and wear a sneaker or other kind of closed shoe
rather than a flip flop. Then he mimed casting a mosquito
net around me so that no other bugs could vagabond-hop onto
the Martha Kelly train. It's no wonder they call this "the
friendly state."
Anyhoot, today was day six in a row of
the torturous Bikram yoga and I plan to keep on keepin'
on with that. I won't go tomorrow because of a daytime birthday
party and a nighttime friends-in-town-from-NYC-party, but
I will go again on Monday. I feel like this yoga could be
the new phase of Operation: Transformation. This could be
the thing I've been looking for that will change me into
a completely different person. If I keep doing it then maybe
the next time a mutant spider tries to buddy up to me at
a party I'll be strong enough to lift it up and do several
bicep curls with it before good-naturedly tossing it into
the pool, clothes on.
Deliriously tired, goodnight. Hope everybody's
doing well wherever you are.
