Hello my name is Martha Kelly and
I'm the host of Cap City's new comedy series called "In
the Can with Martha Kelly." The series includes
video interviews of your favorite comics, a live "In
the Can" show once a month at Cap City,
and a "bloggish" column you can find weekly
at this website. I've tied all of this together with a
string of awkwardness the likes of which the world has
not seen since we all got up this morning. So get ready
to relax, lean back or forward and feel awkward.
April
12, 2009:
It's hard to be a person
Dear Imaginary Friends,
There are two nice guys here refinishing my parents' sliding
French doors. They have been here all day. They didn't drop
by unannounced--my parents hired them. But I did not know
they were coming because it isn't my houseand I am therefore
out of the loop. I am okay for now with giving up my right
to wear pajamas all day in exchange for free rent. I guess
youcould say that's pretty magnanimous of me, but it would
embarrass me if you said it anywhere but to my face, preferably
in front of a lot of other people.
The problem is that the French doors separate the backyard
from the diningroom, and the dining room is connected to
the family room, which is where the TV is. Like the bear
who ate Timothy Treadwell and his girlfriend Amy, I like
to do my compulsive eating in private. And also like that
bear, I prefer to watch TV while I eat so that I can take
my mind off the fact that I don't prepare better meals.
Eating and watching TV in front of two nice guys who are
working and facing you the whole time is a nightmare the
likes of which the world has never seen. May your prayers
be with me.
On a happier note: earlier today I had a bout of PMS-induced
paranoia and anger so intense that my therapist said something
along the lines of "I'm not saying you're delusional,
I'm just saying your whole perspective is so distorted that
you may be completely out of touch with reality." I'm
exaggerating somewhat, but she did use the word "delusional."
I knew it was true at the time even in the middle of it.
I always know when I'm having PMS-induced mood swings. The
problem is that even though I can say "I know the way
I'm seeing things right now is distorted by my hormones"
I really don't give a shit when it's happening. It's like
being possessed by a remorseless asshole, and when it passes
I can physically feel my normal self return. I guess I'm
what you'd call an "empath."
The good thing is that I usually don't lash out at people
during these episodes. I know some people have used PMS
as a defense in homicide cases, and while I do feel like
a different person during these times, I can still tell
right from wrong. I would never hurt anybody. I'm not a
wild animal.
